Six things a renovation project in Paris taught me about life
It's mi-Février in your favorite city
Here we are in mi-Février.
With my newsletter hitting your inbox on February 16th, you might say it is past mid-February. Well, technically, yes—but it is relative.
I looked up the definition of ‘mi-février.’ I was relieved to see that it is a ‘date autour du 14 février’…a date around the 14th of February. The old me would have said that mid-February is precisely February 14th—or midday on the 14th during a leap year.
My years living in France have made me a little more relaxed about the notion of time, and they have made me love and appreciate how the French revere time itself. My comrades understand the importance of taking time for coffee with a friend, taking time to enjoy a meal, and taking time to enjoy life away from work.
And while all of that feels so true to me, time manages to be so nebulous in France. I have given up trying to decipher what it could mean when someone tells me they will come to see me ‘fin d’àpres midi’ (the end of the afternoon) or sometime during the ‘début du soirée’ (the beginning of the evening.)
The only two times I am pretty certain of are ‘l’heure du goûter’ (the hour of the treat) at 4pm and 'l'heure de l'apéro’ (the hour of the Apero) 6pm. In the end, I guess that is all I really need to know with precision - the rest can be relative.
So whether you are okay living in the realm of relativity or need precision, we know that February is short. We have less than two weeks before the month ends, so let’s make the best of it.
Speaking of making the best of it: What a renovation project in France taught me about life.
You’ll imagine there are many more than the few points I list below, but these are the highlights. Life lessons thanks to a substantial renovation project and working closely with a French architecture team…
There are ways to respect history yet remain current with the times. We don’t need to throw away the old every time we start something new. Perhaps we can weave a beautiful braid with both.
Compromise and Creativity are co-heads of the renovation kingdom - and in life in general.
Your North Star is more important than your map. It is nice to have a detailed map, but expect it to change at a moment's notice - the important thing is knowing the direction you are going. I love to say, ‘fail to plan, plan to fail,’ but I also know some things are beyond my control. To me, the real skill is being able hold multiple plans that converge and diverge as things evolve.
If you get stuck in too many comparisons with what everyone else is doing, you’ll never be happy with your decisions. I won’t tell you how many rabbit holes I have deep-dived into about wall tiles - almost to the point of decision fatigue. Choosing tiles just felt so permanent (sometimes life decisions feel the same) - but guess what? They are not. While it may take extra work and time to take down and unwind those decisions, it can be done. Nothing is permanent…not even wall tiles.
My Frenchness is very relative. Working closely with a French architect team was a great reminder of that. I had to tame myself on several occasions for fear of upsetting them…(yes, you read that correctly.) We had our tenuous moments - particularly when vetoing their beautiful light fixtures. After taking time to research and provide other options, they responded by advising that new lighting choices compromised the entire project (meaning my light choices were horribly ugly - hence, the project itself was in peril.) I swear they gave the silent treatment for a few days thereafter, but we recovered. Ultimately, we found new lights that everyone was happy with. If we all have the same North Star in mind, we will find a way back together.
Time is relative. I’ve always known this, but nothing like a renovation project (in any country) reminds you that time's meaning is relative, especially when trying to make changes.
Bonus: Renovation (read: transformation) is never really finished—it is just a long continuum with a few pauses. And ‘finishing’ something is as relative as my Frenchness.
Speaking of my Frenchness being relative…
I know one should never say never, but I am fairly certain you will never hear me say I am French…no matter how long I have lived here, whether or not I have a French passport, or how well I speak French. Nor will you hear me refer to myself as a Parisienne.
Yet I have learned to love living in Paris (although this wasn’t always the case)…and I very much appreciate French culture. And just because I don’t call myself French, it certainly doesn’t mean I haven’t worked to adapt, fit in, and, more importantly, understand how things operate—quite the contrary. I have spent 20 years doing just that. The difference is that I have learned that I can weave together the old and new parts of me.
If you ask me where home is, yes, I will instinctively say Chicago. Yes, I still love to eat dinner at 6 p.m. (if possible), and yes, I can quite happily be on the couch with my mother watching old classic TV shows while eating snacks off of a tray table—rather than having to ‘passe à table’…sit at the table.
FYI, if you are dining with your French friends when it is time to eat, they will likely say ‘On passe à table,’ which, depending on the inflection, can often sound like a question—like, ‘Shall we go to the table?’ Just to be clear, it’s not a question—it’s a delicate directive to move to the table—and then, of course, you wait to know where you should sit…
At the same time, I love all the wonderful things I have learned about life here. I love the formality of a French dinner party, and I love that I think twice when setting the table (especially when it comes to where I will seat people.) And I love the beautiful nuances of the French language. Words that seem to be the same on the surface may, in fact, be very different - and so now I think very carefully about my word choices.
All this to say that I have learned to become comfortable living in Middle-earth, nestled between my home culture and the incredible French culture I learn about daily. Some days, I feel a part of both; some days, I feel like I belong to none. On balance, they seem to fit together perfectly well.
But, returning to why I am okay with not trying to be French - even under the pressure of the constant suggestions that being French is the pinnacle of existence…
Quite simply, I believe it is painful and detrimental to my sense of self to continue to want to be something I am just not. When I finally quit worrying about how different I am, I started to fit right into my little piece of the world. This isn’t the first or last time you’ll hear me talk about the importance of loving and honoring who we are, including our differences (I’m not an expert here - but I believe this is true - and I say it to remind myself as well.)
But if you really want to live your best French life, I have discovered the secret, and I am going to share it with you (spoiler: it’s not a handbag or how you wear a scarf)
If you really want to be French…the Frenchie-ist French thing you can do is: love and be very comfortable in your skin.
My French friends (I hope they are an accurate sampling of the larger community) are not trying hard to be anything other than themselves. Many love the US and dream of living there, yet they are not stressed about trying to be American. I have never seen them pick up a book about ‘how to be American’; I have not seen them trolling websites about how to dress or wear make-up ‘in the American way’; nor do I hear them obsessing about how the Americans eat (well, they do talk about this, but not always in a complimentary sense.)
And I suspect if they move to the US, they will still consider themselves French (at least the people I know.) By the way, you can substitute the word ‘American’ for any other country of your choice.
And that is what I am loving and taking note of! I am just learning every day to try to be the inverse—an American who is content with who she is and happens to live in Paris.
By the way, if you need a reminder that we can be different and still fit in, this is a great example - yes, it’s a story about Diesel the Donkey, but please watch it. Please note that I am not inferring that I am the leader of the pack here - you’ll know what I mean if you watch it.
It’s magic when we can be ourselves and still be positively influenced by the people we spend the most time with.
Speaking of the people you spend time with…
“You are the average of the top 5 people you spend the most time with.” –Jim Rohn
On the spectrum of Frenchness, I have come to appreciate that word choices are very important. The French are masters at choosing words that can have double meanings, and while a lot of le second degré language goes over my head, I find that not only do I choose words very carefully, but some words have almost fallen out of my vernacular.
When it comes to using the word ‘succès’ (success), I’ll admit that I use it very, very rarely. I will, however, use the word ‘réussite’ - a nuance I have picked up over the years.
My phonetic pronunciation
Réussite : RE OOO SEAT
Succès : SUK SAY
The wonderful thing about being new to a culture and a language is enjoying being a master of interpretation. When you don’t fully understand something, you use your interpretive powers to deduce.
Over the years, I have come to interpret the word ‘réussite’ as something related to a task, while the word ‘succès’ relates to the whole.
When is it really a succès?
I was prompted to think about this because I recently shared on Instagram that La Cuisine Paris opened its extension on February 4th. As always, I am blown away by the kindness of the people in our community. The number of wonderful comments and wishes was so touching; it warms my heart to think about it.
But one word kept popping up in the wonderful, kind, and loving comments. It was a word that truly pained me. I cringed every time someone congratulated me on my ‘success.’
Too often (thanks to the wonderful world of Instagram), we see the final work, but we rarely know what it takes to get there. I, too, can get sucked into comparisons and ruminations about why it is so easy for everyone else, so I felt compelled to share the back story of what it took to get to the 4th of February (and believe me, this was a small summary.) I hope it encourages people to know that whatever they are working towards is possible - even if they are facing obstacles, delays, disappointments, and failures.
So despite all the issues along the way, the renovation of BIS (the extension) was a ‘réussite’… it is completed. Yet, the renovation is just the beginning.
No matter how great the Chef* de Chantier (Contractor) was at creating a beautiful space, a nice paint job, and shiny fixtures, those don’t make a successful business. Only in time will we see if the risk of the renovation pays off.
On verra (another French phrase you often hear), we shall see.
Speaking of Chefs* in Paris
If you have read my memoir, you’ll know I had a different life before La Cuisine Paris. In that life, I had a challenging boss. He was difficult, demanding, exacting, and meticulous, and I thank him daily for that.
He was the exact Chef someone like me needed. While I like to think I am softer around my edges, I learned so much from him.
No matter his accomplishments (and there were many), he never tooted his own horn. After his decades-long, accomplished career, I would be shocked if I heard him refer to himself as successful - he just wouldn’t.
But that is just the nature of the French people I know. There is a value in discretion and humility. You won’t hear the people I know talk about money, and you won’t hear them talk about their ‘succès’ either.
Michel Houellebecq, the French Writer, says it best when describing the French.
“Plus on a du succès, plus on devient timide.” - Michel Houellebecq
“The more we have success, the more we become timid.” - Michel Houellebecq
By the way, did you know that, in France, the term Chef has nothing to do with someone in the kitchen? A Chef in France, generally speaking, refers to someone who is the head of and/or boss.
Examples are: Chef de Chantier (the person who is the head contractor of a work site), a Chef-d'œuvre (a Masterpiece), a Chef d’entreprise (a Business Manager), a Chef d'orchestre (a Conductor) a Chef de project (a Project Manager), or, of course, a Chef de Cuisine, which is technically the head of the kitchen.
Arguably, in a land of expertise, it is quite a journey to be considered a Chef in France.
Speaking of journeys…
The journey to success is paved with disappointments and failures. But if you keep on your path with your North Star in sight - you will get where you are meant to be, even if it is slightly different than what you intended.
“Le succès, c'est l'échec de l'échec.” - Delphine Lamotte
“Success is the failure of failure” - Delphine Lamotte
And to finally measure your success, I believe you must reach the end of the journey. I haven’t come to the end of anything (I hope!) - and frankly, I haven’t even started some things!
Too often, we judge ourselves when we are still on the journey—before we have even arrived. And when do we ever really arrive? Isn’t the best journey filled with turns and forks in the road that lead to new, unexpected destinations? The journey is the exciting part.
So when it is time for me to measure my ‘succès’ it will be when I am at the end of my journey. For La Cuisine Paris, it will mean that I can look back and say it was a sustainable business, that it had a good reputation, that it created a space for people to come together and focus on the things they have in common (even if that is just a croissant), that people left with happy moments (something we all need), and of course that the team who worked there felt rewarded.
Success for my new endeavor with GenerateHER will mean that I can look back and know that it was a sustainable business that created a community and allowed people to come together to learn, grow, and challenge themselves.
And for any new endeavors that I have not even dreamt of yet…whatever they are to be…I hope I can realize them.
So, wherever your journey takes you, I hope you have many réussite along the way (on balance, more achievements than failures.)
Most importantly, I hope when it comes time for both of us to measure our succès- it won’t be by a fresh coat of paint and shiny fixtures - I hope it will be something much, much deeper.
A prompt I’ll leave you with:
What does ‘succès’ mean to you and how will you measure it?
With that, see you next time. Á bientôt mes amis.
Jane
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"The only two times I am pretty certain of are ‘l’heure du goûter’ (the hour of the treat) at 4pm and 'l'heure de l'apéro’ (the hour of the Apero) 6pm. In the end, I guess that is all I really need to know with precision - the rest can be relative. "
This and being comfortable in your skin is all the "Frenchness" I need in my life ; ) And interesting that we spoke about similar topics in our newsletters this weekend - your "succès" and my "moving forward" have remarkable similarities.... Food for thought indeed and very personal but good to stop and reflect about from time to time to see just how far we've come!
Wow, Jane, what a thoughtful prompt! I appreciate what you shared and how you share, so many a ha moments throughout this Prompt, thank you! Thank you for your thoughtful perspectives, which continue to inspire. I love how you look at ‘réussir’ and ‘succès’ and the journey. A wise reminder about the journey — to experience of and to be present along journey, because each new day provides opportunity for reinvention, possibly, reawakening and appreciation. It’s the journey that is fulfilling. I think about how I can reposition the definition of success (in a US workforce — for myself and my team). And, reminding myself of the comparison trap, it can be so deep and difficult. And, pausing to appreciate where I am, now - personally and professionally - and recognizing steps I chose along the way - to appreciate and often, learn from them. Thank you. So like you, I am most supportive that it’s important to be comfortable with oneself and that life’s journey is about the small wins (size does not matter).